Don't leave me
by Kori-Kisai
Summary: Blaine was happy. His life was a whirlwind of colour and smiling faces, every minute passing in an excited buzz of jokes and laughter. New York really felt like home, he left Ohio without looking back, his confidence never faltering, knowing this was the life he wanted. He was always smiling, bright eyed and all teeth. Until he wasn't. Warning: depression
1. Chapter 1

Blaine was happy. His life was a whirlwind of colour and smiling faces, every minute passing in an excited buzz of jokes and laughter. New York really felt like home, he left Ohio without looking back, his confidence never faltering, knowing this was the life he wanted. He was always smiling, bright eyed and all teeth. Until he wasn't.

He woke up one morning, three months after his move to New York, and it just felt like all the colour had been drained from his life, only seeing in dark greys and blacks. His limbs felt heavy and his eyes were dull and lifeless. It was like a switch had been flipped, and every good feeling was sucked out of the world.

Blaine could hear Kurt in the kitchen, most likely preparing a nice breakfast for them, and Rachel running scales in her room, her voice piercing his head and causing a dull ache to settle at the base of his skull. The noise or the loft was swirling around his head like a dark grey sandstorm of white noise, confusion and loneliness.

He could hear Kurt calling him to breakfast, but it sounded far away, like his brain had detached itself from his body, and his limbs refused to cooperate. He couldn't even bring himself to want to move, lacking the motivation to do more than close his eyes again.

Blaine had no idea how long he had been in that same position, curled in on himself, covers almost covering his head completely, his mess of curls in his face. It could have been minutes or hours before his fiance walked in for all he knew. He could see Kurt, he knew he was there, but it didn't really register for him.

"Blaine, come on, it's time to get up, I made you breakfast" Kurt spoke to him gently, knowing Blaine wasn't really much of a morning person, though not used to seeing the blank stare he was receiving at that moment.

Blaine could only look back at him, not quite registering what Kurt had said. He tried to open his mouth, to force himself to say something, but he just couldn't. Then he felt the gentle fingers through his hair, and a small spark of colour, light blue, flashed behind his eyes, anchoring him to that moment. His head leaned into Kurt's hand, letting out a light groan of contentment, not seeing the frown that had appeared on Kurt's face.

Just as quickly as the colour entered his life, it disappeared. He felt Kurt's fingers slip from his hair and let out a whine of disapproval, feeling exhausted, as though he had been awake for days, even though he hadn't been awake very long. He closed his eyes again, willing sleep to come, though he had a feeling it wouldn't be so easy.

* * *

Kurt was worried. He had never seen Blaine like this, so run down and just _sad_. He was supposed to be in class, but he just couldn't leave knowing there was something wrong with his fiance, but every time he tried to talk to Blaine, he would just look at him with that blank stare, not really seeing him.

After lunch time, when Blaine still hadn't emerged from their room, Kurt knew there was something seriously wrong. Blaine, no matter how unwell he was, never missed a meal, and that day he had missed two. Kurt went and checked on him for what felt like the hundredth time that day, hating how small he looked.

* * *

After what felt like hours, Blaine opened his eyes again, feeling the bed move beneath him and familiar arms wrap around him from behind. He felt Kurt pressed up against his back, holding him tightly to his chest. He let out a sigh of relief, and it felt like he could breathe again.

"Kurt" he breathed out, his voice raspy from lack of use, struggling to move his own hand so it covered Kurt's on his stomach. He felt relieved when his hand finally covered the soft hand that was gripping his shirt tightly.

"I'm here" he felt Kurt breathe against his neck, hating the worry he heard in his voice, knowing he was the reason it was there.

"Don't leave me" he heard himself say, not quite aware he was talking at all.

"Never" the hand gripping his shirt tightened, pulling him closer to the warm body behind him.

He knew there was something wrong with him. He knew that normal people didn't feel the way he did right then, but maybe he was just sick, maybe he just had the flu or something. Maybe he would feel better tomorrow.

He didn't.

* * *

A/N: this has been floating around my head for a long time now. I haven't written in years, but I'm trying to get back into it. I never had that much luck conveying what I wanted to in my stories, and I know this is probably going to come out very rough as I'm pretty rusty. I want to make this into a multi-chapter fic but I'm not sure just yet. I guess I'll just wait and see if I get a response. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

Blaine woke up feeling very much the same, though he's unsure if "woke up" would be the correct phrasing of drifting into a light sleep for a few minutes at a time for the entirety of the night. He was exhausted, and he couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried. To make matters worse, the hand splayed lovingly across his chest, beneath their shirt, did nothing to ignite that familiar burst of colour behind his eyes. Instead, a dull ache settled deep inside his chest, followed by the feeling of absolute guilt that he couldn't even manage to smile for the one person he loved more than anything.

It was with that thought that he decided he had to try. He had to, for Kurt's sake. Maybe if he pretended everything was okay, it would be. It was with that decision in mind that he dragged his heavy body out of bed, being careful not to wake the man sleeping next to him. He dragged his heavy limbs to the bathroom, a haphazardly chosen outfit tucked under his arm, and started the shower. He didn't spare himself a glance in the mirror, he knew he looked like a mess.

The relief washed over him the moment he stepped under the too hot stream of water, relief as the water stung his skin that he could feel something. Maybe he wasn't broken. Maybe he would be okay.

He spent much longer than normal in the shower than he usually would, but when he left he looked slightly more human, his dry, red eyes slightly less so, and his face had a little more colour to it than it had when he dragged himself in there. He got through shaving, though it took so much energy for him to do such a minor task that his hair never stood a chance. After twenty minutes trying to work himself up, he knew it was a lost cause and left the bathroom, his unruly curls a mess on his head.

Kurt was still asleep, so he made his way into the kitchen, looking for food as his stomach was protesting to the last 24 hours without food. The most he could bring himself to make was a bowl of cereal, a second bowl laid out for Kurt, knowing it wouldn't be long until he emerged from their room.

Blaine had barely managed a mouthful in the ten minutes or so it took Kurt to wake and leave their room, spending most of his time pushing the cereal down into the milk and watching it, unsure why this was more interesting than actually eating the food his body was telling him he needed. He didn't even notice Kurt was there until he felt soft hands on his shoulders and a kiss on his cheek.

"Feeling better?" Kurt asked as he walked around the table to sit in front of Blaine, pouring himself a bowl with a small smile.

"Yeah, must have just been a bug." Blaine managed to get out softly, forcing his lips to turn up in what he hoped was a smile, albeit a small one. It felt foreign on his face.

If kurt noticed something was still wrong with Blaine, he never let on, he just reached across the table and took his hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it with a gentle smile. And Blaine felt awful about it. His heart didn't speed up like it usually did when Kurt looked at him like that, his eyes didn't light up with love, and he could barely bring himself to squeeze the hand in his gently. This wasn't right.

"I think this is the longest you've gone without hiding those curls from me." Kurt had a slight teasing look in his eyes, and that dull ache in his chest made itself known again.

"Yeah, I just didn't want to waste energy on things that don't matter today, I'd rather put all my energy into you, and school." He was proud of himself, the ease of which the words came from his mouth, even though he didn't want to speak at all. He brought Kurt's hand to his lips and placed a tender kiss on the back of his hand.

Blaine managed a few more mouthfuls of food before he had to throw out the rest and put his dishes in the sink, annoyed with himself for being unable to do something as simple as eating a meal. He was getting frustrated with himself. All he wanted to do was have a nice Saturday with the love of his life, maybe go shopping in those places he knows Kurt loves, but he doesn't want to leave the house.

They gravitate towards the couch, Kurt leaning against his side as some show played on the TV that Blaine just didn't care enough to really watch, instead staring blankly at the screen.

He wasn't sure how long they had been there before he felt Kurt's hand on his cheek, turning his head to look at him, and soft lips pressing against his own. He closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss, and he could almost pretend he was okay in that moment. That was, until he felt Kurt's hands tugging at his shirt.

He knew he let it go too far when he found himself suddenly on his back, shirt half way up his chest and Kurt's hands caressing every piece of skin they could. And he felt nothing. He waited for the familiar buzz to spread throughout his body and desperately tried to will his body to react to Kurt's touch on his skin. But nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the door slide open and Sam walked in, frustrations with his own inability to be a good partner to his fiance pooling in his stomach. That was his turning point. That was the first day he really started to hate himself.

He couldn't look Kurt in the eyes for the rest of that day, ashamed of himself and his own bodies inability to function as it should. He ate as much as he could at lunch and dinner without causing Kurt to get suspicious, his appetite practically non-existent, and made sure he was in bed long before Kurt. He felt so guilty that he feigned sleep when Kurt came in, so ashamed that he couldn't give his fiance what he wanted, and so frustrated at himself. He felt like he would never be happy again.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter contains self harm.

* * *

One week. It took an entire week for Blaine to realise this wasn't going to end. He wasn't going to suddenly wake up with all the colour back in his life. This was his life now, a dark abyss of shadows and emptiness. He tried to smile more, thinking that if maybe he smiled, his body would remember what it was like to be happy, but it never worked. Nothing worked. Until he saw red.

He doesn't know how it happened, he has no memory of doing what he did, but one second he was shaving, just like every other day, still dragging himself around like a somber, when his hand slipped. He felt the sting and saw the blood. Red. He could feel the flash of colour behind his eyes again, but only red, like fireworks of life in his mind.

He was so surprised he was feeling anything, having gone an entire week of nothing, no emotion except the occasional flicker of sadness. He didn't feel himself moving, it was like he was on autopilot. He didn't realise he had pulled apart his razor blade. He didn't notice when he held it to his own bare skin, still so caught up in the fact that he _felt something_. All he knew was he wanted to keep feeling. He didn't want to go back to his shadow of a life.

Before he knew what was happening, he was surrounded by the red, the stinging feeling running down his arms bringing him to life, making him _feel_. He's happy to see the red, so pleased to feel some colour returning to him. Even as black blotts his vision he still sees red, all over him, all around him, and he thinks it's beautiful. He falls unconscious with a content smile on his face. His first real smile in a week.

That's how Kurt found him.

* * *

Kurt knew something was bothering Blaine. He knew his fiance, and he could see that his smile never quite reached his eyes, but he never imagined it could be this.

He was getting their breakfast ready while Blaine was in the bathroom getting ready for class. This was their Friday routine, and has been for the last three months. With breakfast on the table and coffee in their mugs he called out to Blaine. His only answer was silence.

He gave it another five minutes, maybe Blaine was still trying to tame his wild curls? But when that five minutes were up, there was still no sign of him. Kurt decided it was time to interrupt whatever Blaine was doing, as their breakfast was going to go cold soon. He made his way to the bathroom door, and that's when he saw it. Red. A small trickle of liquid coming from under the door. Not much, but enough to cause Kurt to thrown the door open like his life depended on it.

What he saw, broke his heart.

Blaine, the love of his life, his soul mate, slumped over in the bathroom, his back leaving against the side of the tub. The first thing Kurt saw was the blood. Too much blood. But he couldn't contain his broken sob when he saw the origin of all that blood. Two long angry red lines, one on each arm, running from his elbow to his wrist.

Kurt was fumbling for his phone, still in shock, but finally able to move.

" _911 what is your emergency?"_

"My fiance... He's hurt… there's blood everywhere… so much blood… please… hurry!" Was all Kurt could come out between gasps for breath. He felt like his world was falling apart. He stayed on the phone, trying his best to follow the instructions he was given. He wrapped the closest towel he could reach around both Blaine's arms, trying to put enough pressure on the cuts to slow the bleeding until help arrived.

His eyes traced Blaine's features while he waited, though his vision was blurred by the tears. Blaine was pale. Too pale. His beautiful face was sickly looking, and he was definitely thinner. He looked nothing like the Blaine he knew. The man who's contagious smile could light up the room, his honey coloured eyes bright and full of life. Everyone that came into contact with Blaine loved him. He was so full of life.

Kurt couldn't have told you how long he sat there, holding Blaine's arms in his hands, willing the bleeding to stop, before the paramedics arrived. Everything happened in a blur. They took Blaine from him, removing his hands from his wounds so they could take over. They allowed him to travel in the ambulance with Blaine, but he wasn't allowed to touch him. He couldn't get in the way, and it was killing him.

The ride to the hospital felt like the longest ride of Kurt's life, not knowing if Blaine would be okay. Not even knowing if he would live. The paramedics said he had a heartbeat, but it was weak. Dangerously weak.

When they got to the hospital, Blaine was taken away from him. He wasn't allowed to follow, he could only watch on in horror as they wheeled his Blaine away, telling him they would notify him later.

Kurt was then left to make the dreaded call. Blaine's mother.

The phone answered on the third ring.

" _Hey Kurt, how have you been?"_ He heard Pam's cheery voice through the phone, the smile on her voice reminding him so much of Blaine. _His_ Blaine. He couldn't hold back the sob that forced it's way from his lips.

"Blaine…" was all that he could manage to say before the tears came in full force, the shock beginning to leave his body. He heard a sharp gasp through the phone.

" _Is he okay?"_ Kurt hates the anxiety in her voice. He always loved Pam, she was always kind and so happy every time she saw him. He loved her like family, and he knew what he had to say would hurt her, just as much as he was hurting.

"I don't know… God I have no idea, they won't tell me anything, they just took him away. There was so much blood Pam… he hurt himself." He was shaking while he spoke, the tears refusing to stop now they had begun. He could hear Pam's sobbing through the phone. She told him she would be there as soon as she could, as best as she could while struggling to breathe, and then the line went dead.

All Kurt wanted in that moment, was for Blaine to hug him and tell him everything would be okay. But that couldn't happen, and it might not happen ever again.

* * *

A/N: I've been writing this on my phone while I'm unable to sleep, I've been sick so I haven't slept for two nights now, that's why ive managed to get three chapters out so quick. I could write longer chapters, but I just feel like they end right where they needed to. This has only really been the introduction to the story so far, and I definitely have a lot planned out. If you can think of any suggestions please feel free to let me know, I have so much room for improvement.

Thanks for your time!


	4. Chapter 4

Beep… Beep… Beep…

The insistent beeping penetrated Blaine's sleep, slowly pulling him from his own head. He felt a weight on his hand and forced his heavy eyes open, the blinding white of the room forcing his eyes shut pretty quickly.

After a few minutes he managed to open his eyes again, this time ready for it and managed to keep his eyes half open. He slowly looked around the room, his head still feeling foggy, and his gaze landed on on his sleeping fiance, who was sleeping with his head on Blaine's bed and grasping his hand like a life line.

It took Blaine a few minutes to realise he was actually in a hospital room, hooked up to machines and with bandages wrapped around his arms. He remembered his moment of weakness in the bathroom, and his grip on Kurt's hand tightened, knowing how worried the young man must have been.

He felt Kurt stirring beside him, and watched him slowly wake up, his guilt eating him up inside with every minute that passed. His breath caught in his throat when those glasz eyes locked with his own.

"Blaine…." Kurt breathed out, tears filling his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck. Blaine held him close, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist as tight as he could with all the wires in the way.

"I'm so sorry Kurt, I don't know what happened, I'm so sorry." Blaine was crying now, his face burried in Kurt's neck.

"It's okay, don't worry about that right now, we can talk about this later, I just want you to focus on healing. I'm here honey, I'm not going anywhere."

Blaine could only hold him closer, unable to form words.

It was a few hours later when someone else came through the door, a doctor, Blaine decided, judging by their white coat.

"Hello Blaine, I'm Dr. James. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?"

"I'm fine." Blaine responded immediately, almost too quickly really.

"How about we have a look at your injuries and change those bandages? We will be sending someone in layer on to assess your mental health later."

Blaine looked down at that, not willing to meet anyone's eyes. Instead he just held out one of his bandaged arms towards the doctor, an indication to go ahead.

"Would you rather we do this with a bit more privacy? Your friend can wait in the hall of you would prefer." The doctor questioned, his eyes floating over Kurt.

"He's my fiance, if he wants to stay he can." Blaine looked up at Kurt uncertainty. "You can go if you'd like, I wouldn't blame you."

"I'm not going anywhere." Kurt held his gaze, then placed a light kiss on Blaine's lips.

"Okay, go ahead." Blaine turned back to the doctor, one arm outstretched and his other hand holding Kurt's.

It couldn't have taken long for his arms to be redressed, but it felt like forever. He kept looking at Kurt throughout the process, who he knew was putting on a brave face, although the trembling hand in his own gave him away. Blaine's wounds were given the okay, no infection and beginning to heal as expected.

"How are you doing?" Kurt squeezed his hand as the doctor left, worry thick in his voice.

"I'm okay, I just want to go home."

"You'll be able to go home soon, they just want to keep you here for a few days." Blaine noticed how he didn't mention suicide watch. He appreciated it.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this Kurt. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped feeling happy. I don't know why, and it's not like I was constantly sad, I just wasn't happy. I tried to be though, for you. Because you are everything to me, I never want you to think you don't make me happy."

"Oh honey, I know how you feel about me, you make me so happy. This is something we can work through, we can get you help, and you can be happy again. I love you so much Blaine, and I hate to see you hurting."

"I love you too." Blaine kissed the back of Kurt's hand lightly. "Does anyone else know? Rachel or…?"

"I had to call your mum, she's probably going to be here tomorrow. She was really worried about you. I don't think she's bringing your dad though… I'm sorry."

"No, no it's fine, I wouldn't expect him to come." A dark look crossed Blaine's eyes, before being replaced by a soft smile aimed at Kurt. "Thank you for calling mum though, you really are too good for me. I knew there was a reason I want to marry you."

"You mean it's not just my good looks and impeccable fashion?" Kurt teased him, placing a kiss on his cheek.

Their moment was interrupted by a tall woman walking into his room. The way she held herself just screamed therapist.

She stayed in his room, talking to Blaine about why he tried to kill himself, even though Blaine didn't think that's what he had done, she listened to him talk about when everything got dark, and how he tried to be happy again. In the end, his diagnosis was clear. Depression.

He was prescribed antidepressants, though he protested to being medicated at first, Kurt's gentle hand on his back was enough to stop his protesting. He was also advised to begin regular therapy when he left the hospital, which Kurt quickly agreed to, leaving Blaine no room for argument.

Kurt didn't leave Blaine's side the entire time, not judging him while he spoke to the therapist, not leaving him when he found out how broken Blaine really was, and holding his hand when it all became too much for him. After dinner, which he forced himself to eat under Kurt's watchful eye, he moved over as much as he could comfortably to allow for Kurt to climb in next to him. He fell asleep clutching Kurt's shirt in his fingers, and his face tucked into his neck.

* * *

A/N: back with another chapter. This is definitely something I'll only be updating when inspiration strikes. I'd like to be able to promise regular updates for those that are reading this, but unfortunately my busy life doesn't allow for that. I hope this story is enjoyable for some, and it's definitely been helping me to write it.


	5. Chapter 5

Three days after he was released from hospital Blaine felt fantastic. He had plenty of energy and didn't even feel the need to sleep. Instead, at four in the morning, still awake while Kurt was asleep, he decided it was the perfect time for a jog around the block, followed by rearranging all the cupboards in the kitchen and making enough food to feed five people. Just as he was finishing up with the pancakes Kurt came out of their room, smiling as he saw Blaine stand over the stove, humming a song to himself.

"Kurt!" Blaine cheered when he noticed his fiance watching him. He immediately gathered the taller man in his arms and spun him around with a laugh. "I made breakfast for us, and Rachel, whenever she decides to get up, why is she still sleeping? The sun is up now, you're up, I'm up, she should be up to. We should do something after breakfast Kurt, we could go to the park, or go shopping, or we could go out for lunch! There's so much to do here Kurt, and we never go out and do anything. Why don't we go out more? The city is amazing!" Blaine was talking excitedly, almost too fast for Kurt to keep up.

"We have class today Blaine, we can't go out, but how about we have lunch together at school?" Kurt offered, slightly concerned at Blaine's unusual behaviour.

"Do we have to go to class though? I want to do something else, we should definitely do something else. Something more fun than going to class." Blaine was fidgeting now, unable to stand still.

"We're going to class, we can't just skip it, now why don't we sit down and eat breakfast then we can get ready to go okay?"

"Okay" Blaine pouted, though he sat down across from Kurt at the table to serve himself some breakfast. He was nibbling on a piece of bacon when Rachel emerged from her room.

"Rachel! Come sit with us, have some breakfast, I made food. It's not as good as Kurt's cooking, but he was sleeping and I was hungry so I made breakfast instead." Blaine was bouncing his leg as he spoke, clearly unable to sit still even though he had only been sitting for a couple of minutes.

Rachel was shocked by Blaine's unusually energetic greeting. Even before he started displaying symptoms of depression he had never been a morning person, so this new attitude was definitely unlike him. Eventually Kurt and Rachel just shrugged it off as the antidepressants taking effect.

It took them a week to realise something was seriously wrong with him.

He had only been sleeping an hour at most every night for a week, making enough food to feed them all at least twice every morning, and sometimes multiple times a day, and he had been going for long runs at random intervals throughout the day.

Kurt had heard Blaine talk more in that week than he had in their entire relationship, but most of the conversation Blaine made switched topics faster than anyone could keep up, as though he got distracted half way through what he was saying.

There were also times, though not very common, where he just got irritated for almost no reason and snapped at anyone within hearing distance.

Eventually Kurt couldn't take how unpredictable Blaine was and he took him to his therapist.

"I don't want to go in Kurt, I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me, I've never felt better!" Blaine was grinning beside him, bouncing on his feet as they got to the reception for the therapist's office.

"I know B, but we just need to make sure your medication is working okay? Just talk to her and then we can go home and do whatever you want to do." Kurt placed a kiss to his cheek and nudged him in the direction of the office after they signed him in.

Kurt sat in the waiting room for an hour before Blaine came out, his therapist following behind him. Blaine was frowning as he sat down next to Kurt, his arms folded across his chest.

"Hello again Kurt, I have some good news and some bad news for you." She sat down on the other side of him. "Blaine was misdiagnosed, which is very common as it's not until a lot of patience display symptoms of mania that we can see it, but he has bipolar II, which is why his medication affected him the way it did. The good news is it's completely treatable with the correct medication. I've got a prescription here for you to get filled out, just make sure he takes it every day, and keep an eye on his behaviour. Sometimes stress can affect the medication, so if he starts displaying symptoms again call me and we will adjust his dosage." Kurt frowned as he took the prescription from her.

"You mean this isn't just a problem with his medication? This is him? What if his medication doesn't work? Or he's being misdiagnosed again? How will I know?"

"You know him best Kurt, if you start to see any behavioural changes in him, call me. You have my emergency phone number."

"Okay, thank you for seeing him today. I'll call you the moment anything changes." Kurt took Blaine's hand in his and linked their fingers together, feeling hopeful for the future with his fiance.

Everything got better after Blaine's medication regulated itself in his system, and he was more like himself than he had been in a long time. He was smiling again, able to focus in class, and his relationship with Kurt had only grown stronger. Then he got the phone call from the hospital.

He was talking to Sam when the phone rang, and was a little confused when he saw an unknown number calling him. Nothing could have prepared him for the news that his fiance had been beaten and left for dead.


End file.
